What a gas!

That phrase used to reference a good time, and I think was popular around the 1920’s and 30’s when everyone was high on nitrous oxide and dentistry would gladly take a dozen eggs or a Cornish hen as payment for tooth extraction.  Today a simple tooth cleaning will require a cosigner and 20% of your net worth put down just for them to consider poking you with a metal pick to make your gums bleed.

With all that said the gas I’m referring to is methane, which we humans produce on a daily basis.    This is the same gas that causes my family and pets to usually leave the room I’m in with disgusted looks on their face and expressions that can only mean they are thinking “I hope I don’t get brain damage from that smell I was just accosted by”.  I never claimed my poop doesn’t stink so this will generally cause a chuckle from me and sometimes an outright laugh.

However this is still not the point of this blog.  I’ve done some extensive research on this topic of methane and the effects on humans, and when I say extensive I mean I asked my family and friends over the years.  I would have asked everyone in the world, but that could take at least 3 lifetimes, and I don’t know about you, but I don’t have that kind of time on my hands.

The one conclusion I found in my studies is that to a person not one of the people I asked ever liked taking a poop at school when they were in elementary and high school.  This is fascinating to me simply because every job I’ve ever had I would encounter odors so pungent coming from the employee bathroom that if one were exposed to them long enough it would shut down their central nervous system.  People obviously got over their phobia of dropping logs in school as adults, and as far as I can tell, have greatly increased their fiber intake to make sure their cycles coincide with a workplace toilet.    It also seems to coincide with my entrance into those bathrooms.   Ugh!!!

Now, I’ve come up with a theory, which I like to call “getting paid to poop” that basically says if people can get paid at work while they poop most people will poop while at work.    I know this not exactly on the same level as the theory of relativity, theory of evolution, or Colonel Sander secret recipe, but when you connect the dots it seems to “flow”.  Realistically people are getting paid to poop, use the company’s toilet paper and water to flush (for some several times), and cut down on their paper and water consumption at home.   It makes perfect sense.

Now we need someone to come up with a way to filter workplace bathroom air so fellow employees are not exposed to gasses that cause them to hold their breath for long periods of time while exiting their bladders…The Lysol and Fabreeze just ain’t cutting it folks!